The moment I said “iligalbility” I knew it was time to put the glass of wine down.
That and the fact that the bottle was empty.
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Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
Great Canadian literature.
Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
hey babe come look at the cat. he looks the same as he always does and hes just sitting there. babe come look. hey come look at the cat
[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?
People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.
Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?
Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.
The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.
The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.
Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time
I think this cat is broken
HER: I’m a big fan of Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name 3 other ultimate spiritual goals
me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)
It’s actually Dr. whatever
I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
8-year-old: It’s so weird to see a teacher at the store.
Me: Teachers have lives outside of school.
8: Since when?
Did you come from a “never take medicine for any reason whatsoever” family or a “you might get a headache today, take 12 advil” family
It was worth a shot 😂