me before I type out affect or effect
You Might Also Like
“Wow, this toilet is really uncomfortable…”
~Me drunk in the hot tub as my guests throw themselves out
Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks
Him: you just offended all of Canada
[on a plane]
Stewardess: “Would you like a mint? It’ll help your ears during takeoff”
Me: “Sure, can I have two?”
*puts one in each ear*
What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer
I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.
[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!
If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.
“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.
There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.
Him: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.
Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.
If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.
[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.
Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.
lol – getting pizza slice and the guy in front of me (trying to banter with the cashier) is like “you made mine with extra love right” and the cashier very solemnly and Eastern European accentedly said “it’s made with normal amount pepperoni”
If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.
Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
Sex so good your binoculars fog up.
My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
started wrapping my pills in cheese
My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.
[reading of my fathers will]
Lawyer: and I bequeath to my son $100k as-
Me: heh, bequeath
Lawyer: long as that immature vomit fondler doesn’t laugh at the word ‘bequeath’
Me: he didn’t even have $100k, did he?
Lawyer: no, he just knew
lmao
Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you
Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.
Child: [crying]
Me: OMG WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My science grade dropped to a B+!
Me [who at the age of 53 learned that a lamb is a baby sheep and not a completely different animal]: Well you’ll just have to try harder.
I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore