Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.
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Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
The perfect label doesn’t exi-
[deathbed]
ME: Give me that sword & I’ll haunt it when I die
SON: I made this
[hands me cake]
ME: No!
[dies]
CAKE: [in my voice] God damn it
Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.
Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…
wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.
I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.
[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Who’s a bad hand!?
PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher
“can i use the bathroom?”
“i don’t know, CAN you?”
*takes deep breath*
*pisses all over teachers desk*
therapist: what do you see?
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see, and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
angel: they seem to be doing well
God: give them more diseases
angel: is that really necess-
God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla
I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.
ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.
Guy on Tinder: I speak 12 languages
Me:
Guy on Tinder: I made my niece a yacht out of chewing gum, balsa wood, and macaroni
Me: *plays the kazoo perfectly with my left nostril
A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.
Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
“Hello welcome to meteorologist school. Please stick your head out of the nearest window and pick your diploma up on your way out.”
ME: Mint choc chip ice cream, pls. I got my own cone [places it on counter]
EMPLOYEE: This is a traffic cone?
ME: You must be new here.
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Or plates. Paper plates are ok. No hammers, though. What are you – Thor?
Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.
Her: OMG I love The Rock.
Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
Back to work after the long holiday weekend, so you’re finally away from the relatives you don’t like, and back with the co-workers you don’t like
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: It’s a surprise!
Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn’t you?
Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid
Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.