Protip: If friends ask you to watch their kids for them, answer with “sure, it’ll make a change from having to use binoculars” so they never ask again*.
*Even better tip: Don’t actually do that, though
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I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
[Joining a gang]
me: so who do I stab for initiation?
members: again, this is a book club
….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”
[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”
if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
[unzips fannypack filled with jellybeans and some fall out]
Dammit
[bends over to pick them up and the rest spill out]
DAMMIT
one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
[carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full
Something Saturday.
6: When were you born?
Me: 1988
6: No, the year.
Me, frustrated: 1988!
6: No, the year….like December….?*spends his college savings cuz we’re not gonna need it*
Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.
[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]
Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.
Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby
When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.
If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold
Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
why do guys named timothy go by tim when they could go by moth
Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.
I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.
July 2019
*buys new dress shoes from .shoes.com*August 2019 – present
*gets 30% off email from .shoes.com EVERY OTHER day*August 2060:
*.shoes.com representative chisels “30% off” coupon code on my headstone*
BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?
Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.
Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?
Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.