If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami
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Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie
Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie
My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it
Four men having a little fun at an airport 😀
Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs
Him: Take off your socks. They don’t belong in bed.
Me: My socks are off, though.
Him: I meant the sock puppets on your hands.
Right sock puppet: Well, you’re no fun.
Left sock puppet: *blows raspberries*
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss
*finds baby on doorstep*
Me: Should…should we keep it?
Wife: …Let’s sleep on it
Me: (wide-eyed) Christ Deborah that’d kill him
my dad when a sex scene comes on
ME: I’m off to that meeting
BOSS: Forget something?
M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]
B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you
My wife will fix her hair before she puts on a seat belt in the car because if she dies, she WILL LOOK GOOD dammit.
*running from the police and turning into an alley*
HER: Kiss me
HIM: What?
HER: Do you trust me? Then kiss me
*they kiss passionately as the police round the corner*
POLICE: There they are! They stopped to kiss!
What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?
Starchy and Husk
Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.
Me: we can stay at the playground a little longer
3: for forever?! Yay!!
Me: for five more minutes
3: *bursts into tears*
I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer
The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.