*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*
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Tarantino鈥檚 Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.
[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]
“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”
bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT
Found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe it’s been a whole year.
My Mom keeps warning me about talking to strangers on the Internet.
I’m 34 now Mom. I don’t talk to them. I sleep with them.
[First Date]
Her: I鈥檓 instantaneously attracted to men with power.
Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It鈥檚 like the assistants at the doctor鈥檚 office don鈥檛 know anything about women.
[First Date]
Her: I鈥檓 instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.
When you鈥檙e Kinky but poor
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don鈥檛 put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.
*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]
Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!
Someone:
I told a 5th grader during the school costume parade that I liked her Beetlejuice costume and she said she liked mine too but I鈥檓 not wearing one. Today she made a very mediocre enemy.
#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.They are so full of themselves.
Anyone who has got experience dealing with a friend or loved one who was an addict? Do you have any resources that you found useful? Can you please share? I love you all. Stay safe out there.
[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.
Someone in my daughter鈥檚 class gave her a whoopee cushion for Valentine鈥檚 Day and now the bar is set. She may never love a gift as much as this one, guys. 馃お
Stephen King: what if there was an *evil* clown
Mary Shelley: what if a corpse came to life
Edgar Allan Poe: oh no a bird!!!
Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.
I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.
I just saw a post on a group in Facebook where someone was looking for a stud finder. No one commented anything funny. What the hell is wrong with people?
Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
How to find Kentucky on a map
Got kicked out of the grocery store. Apparently yelling “LET THE BEETS DROP!” And throwing them at the ground is not acceptable.
If I don鈥檛 post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.
I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.