Yeah, I know what my neighbors wear to bed. Not because I look in their windows; I just see them during the day at Walmart.
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Merlin: What now?
Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police
Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?
In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball
[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no
ME: I’m a tough, smart, practical adult, and I don’t believe in silly superstiti–
SOME OLD LADY ON THE STREET: *grabs my hand, gasps* She still thinks about you.
ME, streaming tears and snot : R-r-really?
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
signs you’re dating an angel:
– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
I have never been eaten by a tiger. If you want advice on how not to be eaten by a tiger, just ask.
Please note: advice may not work if you are near a tiger.
Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.
Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.
Me: *tied up*
Guy: *hits my kneecap*
M: I’m not a rat!
G: Bring in her sworn enemy!
G2: *tosses Rubik’s Cube at me*
M: Oh god no! I’ll talk!
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
“What should we call this thing in the ocean that is land?”
How about island?
“Seems too obvious”
What if we pronounced it weird
“Perfect”
My 6-year-old is sick with a cough, so I told him gargling with warm salt water can help. He looked at me & said, “I’m NOT going all the way to the ocean right now.”
Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*Mom: what was that?!
God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*
Freddy Kruger: I’ll get you in your sleep!
Me: Good luck with that.
(4am)
Freddy: *yawning* What the hell? Go to sleep already.
Me: Jokes on you. I’m only up to 4th grade on reliving my most embarrassing moments in life.
Freddy: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔
[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
There’s a whole world of people out there!
*closes the door*
It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?
*checking email on my phone while shoveling handfuls of sea salt and cracked black pepper potato chips into my mouth
YESSSSS! Finally got my unread emails to 100.000! Weird how there’s three zeros after that decimal point but whateve…
Oh
“There should be a less mean way of saying the F word because some people might forget they can’t say that in school”
– my 6yo, absolutely not talking about herself
saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection
My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.
Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase