Thank you corporation very cool
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Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it
I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger
My warrants are pretty outstanding.
What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.
ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?
Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.
Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.
Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.
Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.
Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.
Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”
I’m not afraid to run into an ex here. Her tweets would be all lame like ‘my dog is cute’ and mine would be all cool like ‘I love you Susan’
A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?
If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
Neighbor was pissed because Scrappy was barking this morning, I told him well you can’t get upset it’s what dogs do, especially after finding human bones in the yard.
“TGIM!” – My liver
There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.
my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination
me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
Me: How do I beat the bully?
Dad: Just punch him
Me: I am not doing that
Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him
Me: So like an uppercut?
Me: How was school?
6-year-old: Why do you always ask that?
Me: …because I want to know.
6: That’s not a very good reason.
A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade