The designer of the expanding universe, deviser of quantum theory and relativity – he’s really interested in who you sleep with. Sinner.
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Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy
Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I’m sure you already know, have a great time!
I get it fireworks, people set me off too.
He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks
Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.
Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me
*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial
I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.
[Airport terminal]
*waits at baggage claim area*
*an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel*
*I check the tag to make sure it’s mine*
Here’s where I leave the earth for good.
She said she was a cat person…
…but the way she reacted when I pushed her off the bed told a very different story.
“Pop star, Justin Bieber, was charged with DUI, driving with an expired license and resisting arrest.”
Britney Spears whispers,
“Amateur.”
Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”
Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them
Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to
[restaurant]
Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when
Me: huh? why
Waiter: when means stop
Me: oh
Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other
Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other
very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
If you’re serious about your mental health, find a very pale doctor in an unreasonably dark office at an understaffed isolated 200 year old sanitarium that appears abandoned then go ahead and check in until you’re cured/murdered.
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?
My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.
*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona
My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?
“Boss, I’ve got a probl-”
“There are no such things as problems, only opportunities”
“Oh, ok. I’ve got a serious drinking opportunity”
therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?
me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters
therapist: get out
watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it