*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!
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not sure why we don’t use this thing more often
I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. “How’s it going?”, “How about the weather?”, “Where are your pants?”.
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
Partner: It’s either me or the abroad scholarship. Choose
Me: I pick u…
Partner: I knew you lov…
Me: …nited airlines
My bank, who passed all 14 interest rate rises onto my home loan account, but only half of them onto my savings account, just sent me some tips on how to identify financial scammers
[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners
My 4yo told me to hold her baby as she walked away with her dad. My 4yo left me in a restaurant alone with a fake baby in my arms. I should’ve put the the baby down, but I didn’t. I just held it like a real baby. Why? Idk why. Parenthood is wild.
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 10 years
Me: idk Where do you see YOURSELF in 10 years
Interviewer: i don’t wanna say it’s embarrassing lol
Me: come on what if we say it at the same time
Interviewer: ok deal
Me: ok, 3..2..1
In sync: making furniture for hamsters
[using Apple Pay]
Cashier: Tilt your phone
Me: *tilts*
Cashier: Closer
Me: Ok
Cashier: Stand on one leg
Me: Huh?
Cashier: Sing Apple Bottom Jeans
Me: What?
Cashier: Eat this apple
All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.
my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015
I feel this so hard
[weapons store]
ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?
If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.
do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore
*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem
I love lunch. you can eat breakfast for lunch, you can eat dinner for lunch. the highlight of everyone’s day at work is “going to lunch”. I love lunch so much I even love the word lunch. think about it. “LUNCH”
It’s way easier to procure food now than it was for our ancestors. Thousands of years ago, instead of buying it in the store, I would have had to hunt this can of Pringles in the wild.
I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome
I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.
Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?
Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?
It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.