Candles never taste the way they smell
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we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)
St. Peter: Why should I let you into heaven?
Me: Once a coworker said “supposably” 7 times in a meeting & I just let her
StP: Get in here
It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.
i like my men like i like my coffee, secretly alcoholic.
A woman’s asshole is like a 9 volt battery. You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue on it.
Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
Girls be like “I love you” and then instead of ghosting you and going fishing with the guys, they spend the rest of their lives with you. Be careful out there
I tucked my kids in last night and said, “See you in the morning!” and then we laughed and laughed. Saw them 16 more times before sunrise.
A conversation between 2 vegans:
“I’m a vegan.”
“I’m a vegan too.”
“Oh.”
“So…you’re a vegan?”
“Yes, I am a vegan.”
“Me too.”
push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit
Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain
[first date]
HER: So, do you have a 5 year plan?
ME: Yes. Well, the beginnings of one.
HER: How far have you gotten?
ME: I’ve decided what I want for dinner.
me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*
FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is
[first day as a drug dealer]
Buyer: got any Morphine?
Me: I’m gonna be honest with you [searching through fannypack] I don’t know what Feen is.
“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
We’d have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He’d look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.
Welcome to your 50’s.
I thought I saw a werewolf in my bathroom this morning then realized I forgot to pluck that one crazy chin hair.
Happy Halloween!
My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.
it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.
*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.
Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this
*gets down to snails level*
IF YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU’RE TRYING TO GET TO THEN I CAN HELP YOU GET THERE FASTER.
For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens
In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.
channeling her this year