[first day as funeral director]
this is the dress she wants to be buried in
“It’s very pretty but we highly suggest a coffin”
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On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.
Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said “file this under sad.” WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING
How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.
[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things
GIRLFRIEND: If you’re asked to say grace at Thanksgiving again this year, what do you say?
ME: Thank you Lord for the food we are about to receive.
HER: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Wham bam thank you yams.
so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?
Frantically searches office for glasses that have been on top of my head all along
All of your holes are looking great
– Croctologists
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts
Doing math together is known as fourplay.
Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.
Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.
When I had to tediously pull one hundred and forty three bobby pins out of my wife’s hair on our wedding night, I probably should’ve taken that as a sign.
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot
Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body
My neighbors are being loud and I wanted to yell at them but I didn’t want them to know it’s me so I found a clip of a woman yelling SHUT UP and played it at full volume
Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit
[at bar]
“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”
[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
Me: I have no choice, there is no other way
*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*
*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*
Just know, if I’ve asked you at least 6 times nicely and then sang it as a song, the next time it’s coming out as an unhinged shout.
Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.
My dreams have come true.
me hooking up with my ex