*Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to “stay”
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guy: man this water is warm
extremely narcissistic Luke: nah it’s not that warm this is like a different kind of warm tbh
Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
Me: wow
My sock puppet: WOW
i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket
My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream
FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.
What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private
Received a DM from a dude who claimed that he knows me in real life.
I can’t guess out who he is, probably I have to kill my friends until I get him.
[on an airplane]
Me: Is the pilot any good?
Flight attendant: One of the best
Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?
I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.
Guy: so what u up to after this?
Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley
We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.
Wife: I’m sorry I had sex with your best friend.
Me: With Harrison? How could you!?
Harrison: woof *wags tail innocently*
Wife: No, your other best friend!
Me: *looks accusingly at my X-Box*
Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
*Stands at produce aisle
*Grabs GIANT zucchini
*Holds it high in the air
*Yells:
Is THIS cucumber big enough for you, honey?!?!?!
Raised by wolves. Sent to college by wolves. Moves back home with wolves. Learns to ignore wolf-mom’s worried glances.
My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I’m currently experiencing.
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
I knew I’d get too old to recognize new celebrities but I did not expect to get too old to recognize what celebrities are famous for. every day I go “is that a new singer” and then a person born in 2007 goes “ew no they’re a peeble streamer on doop” as I inch closer to the grave
“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”
My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.
Ultimately, I’m not sure what marriage signifies, if anything. Legally I guess it means something, for wills or whatever. But “spiritually?” It’s just some words, a ritual, no more or less sacred than a high five after a touchdown. But I digress. You may now kiss the bride.
Magician: Is this your card?!
Me: Yes! *turns to children and whispers* Go out to my truck and get my shotgun and rock salt. Daddy found himself a demon.
[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline
I think I am adventurous until I have to follow a detour or park in a tight lot
*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill
I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.
don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo