long ago, the four philosophers lived together in harmony
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I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
How to get your kids to stop coming with you to Target:
Son: Mom, can you buy this for me?
Me: I’m not your Mom.
Son: Mom, stop.
Me: Let’s go find your Mom.
Son: MOM, STOP!
Me: SECURITY!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Sign says World’s Largest Ravioli. “Where’s the filling?” people ask exploring its vast interior. The sound of boiling water grows to a roar
construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again
*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]
You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome
blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?
me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course
If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.
God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”
It’s embarrassing when you lose your kid in the grocery store, especially when they have the list and cart and the security guard finds you staring at beer.
*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.
Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.
Millennial: blank stare
[Twister]
DOG 1: left paw green
DOG 2: i told u this was a terrible idea
DOG 1: cmon Jim just pick the green one
DOG 2: THEYRE ALL GREY GARY
“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.
Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’
DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:
-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Being Charismatic
-Waking up Early
-Having money
Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver
2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe
I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.
Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”
My six year old: “Crab!”
I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.
(Gaming support cat.)
Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia
How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh
My inside joke with my boyfriend is that every time he thinks a tweet is about him, I’m like, “it’s not about you, it’s about my other boyfriend!!!” And my inside joke with my other boyfriend is exactly the same
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.