what the hell is this stain?
– a memoir
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Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.
centipede: *trips*
*but for like, an hour*
ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too
FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket
I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I was on the mothership.
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.
I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity
[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.
Me: Well honey, this place is ripe for arson
Realtor: Right for your son? Oh yes
Me: This house will be coals
Realtor: Cole is a lovely name
Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”
I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
My kid was struggling to solve a complex math problem and tried unsuccessfully to ask Alexa for help. Being the responsible parent I am, I explained the best way to crowdsource a solution is to post the wrong answer on Reddit and 500 peeps will correct you in minutes.
a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.
“There’s no I in TEAM,” he yells. “There’s no COACH in LOCKER ROOM,” I respond. He leaves in stunned silence, and is never seen again.
I’m not necessarily saying it’s been a while since I sorted out my spice cupboard, but I have just found some star anise that’s technically eligible to vote.
*runs in out of breath*
Friend: what’s going on?
Me: [heavy breathing] bear with me
Friend: Ok *waits*
*bear runs in, also out of breath*
Don’t be fooled by the treadmill in my basement. I got it so I can be in a recliner drinking a beer even when I’m walking the dog.
there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse
me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him
St. Peter: then what happened
Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.
how much for the angry fruit?
Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?
“Sure”[click]
Couple: How does it look?
“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”
Noah
I’m tempted to start throwing glitter at people who refuse to wear masks. So sorry it got in your mouth and up your nose, I bet a mask would have prevented that.