You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.
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ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it’s a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!
MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.
Why is it that when other women wear a chain over a turtleneck it looks impossibly chic but when I do it I look like that 1994 photo of The Rock
me: I need tires
michelin: here you go
me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant
michelin: you’re not gonna believe this
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?
me measuring the ceiling: no idea.
Me, watching Stranger Things: these scientists, these fools, play not a god who rends our world in twain.
Me, in real life, if scientists discovered a portal to another dimension: *slamming fists on table* OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT
me: can we watch something besides basketball tonight
him: sure how about a movie
me: cool you pick
[halfway through Teen Wolf]
me: you tricked me
[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no
I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.
If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.
Gravity, at all times, is trying to pull your pants down
The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.
ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!
KIDS: we do!
M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up
March 23: Trump pretends to drive big-rig. House bill falls apart.
July 17: Trump pretends to drive firetruck. Senate bill falls apart.
Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.
My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
My dealer told me everytime i use a reusable container instead of giving me a new baggie he’ll give me a discount and thats what i call loyalty to the planet.
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.
therapist: and what motivation will we use ?
me: hate fueled spite ?
therapist: no
Stand way over there and let me tell you a funny fairytale. Once upon a time I ate all of your Halloween candy this morning.
I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?
I can’t convince the kids to come for dinner yet my husband convinced them he can do backflips, but only in his backflip pants, which he has misplaced.
Alexa; make it look like an accident
I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers