Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.
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I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?
WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread
i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives
‘Always be prepared’ apparently doesn’t apply to ANY OF THE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME AT THE PASSPORT FACILITY
6 said he isn’t sleeping in his room cause the tooth fairy sounds creepy but he left the tooth cuz he needs the money.
-No DNA test needed
I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.
January 2020: New year, new me.
May 2020: *primal scream*
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream
nabisco: and the outside?
inventor: absolute garbage
nabisco: stop i love it
Me: some mornings I see myself in the mirror and think what am I even getting ready for
Therapist: sorry, can you pull the toothbrush out of your beard
him: what are you thinking about rn
me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack
5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she’s already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.
I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn’t notice it wasn’t me. I need a monkey.
I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.
[call]
MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.
ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.
MOM: what?
ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.
[during sex]
me: imma turn the ceiling fan on
giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo
That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”
In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.
*phone rings*
Me: THANK GOD YOU CALLED I’VE BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT MY CAR WARRANTY!
the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it
me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip
If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.
*Makes a meal plan for the week*
*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
I just read that if you eat a slice of bread first thing in the morning and one last thing at night, everything you eat in between makes it a sandwich