I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.
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If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
I used to be married, but I’m better now
My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.
We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, I didn’t have my phone” is bullshit.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, my phone was four feet away and a cat climbed into my lap” is real. It’s possible. It’s terrifying.
*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*
Me – Excuse me. How much is this?
Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.
Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.
*sets place on fire before paying*
Me irl
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
There’s this dude who every day jogs past my house. He seems to be getting slower. Tomorrow I’m going to stand outside and blast ‘Eye of the Tiger’ to give him some incentive
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys
Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]
“Stop hurting that octopus!”
I tried to find the quickest checkout by jumping grocery lanes and now I think I’m stuck in the line to pay respects to Queen Elizabeth.
I poured some root beer in a square glass and now it’s just beer.
Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*
“I bet you’re beautiful on the inside.”—a sensitive guy
“I bet your insides are beautiful.”—a serial killer
kids: can we get a lollipop at the bank
me: if you’re good *pulls mask down over my face*
Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box
“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”
“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”
Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.
Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.
My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.
11yo: Dad, were doing a pretend show and you need to interview us
Me: Ok…
8yo: But none of the questions can be “What is your name?” “What is your quest?” or “What is your favorite color?”
Me:
8yo:
11yo:
Me: interviewees don’t get to pick the questions…
Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.
Husband: The kids better not find out you ate their desserts.
Me in deep voice: Dead…men…tell…no…tales.
Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.
In the 17th century, villagers would burn down entire neighborhoods to combat diseases such as bubonic plague, typhus, and gluten.