[christmas morning]
ME: I have no gifts to bring
EVERYONE: booooo
ME: …pa rum pum pum pum
EVERYONE: yayyyyyy
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Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.
My 3 year old nephew pronounces the letter ‘s’ like ‘d’ and received a very comprehensive lesson on the importance of the number six tonight.
Where is your GOD now????
Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit
*first day as salsa dancer
“I’m not cleaning this up.”
Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay
just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great
Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.
Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever
There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old
[God Creating Dads]
God: Ah, yes. Think I’m done
Dads: Hi Done, we’re Dads!
God:
Dads:
God: *creates the adjustable thermostat*
my husband was trying to talk about Shrek but he couldn’t remember Shrek’s name (Shrek) so he called him “summertime grinch”
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
My 8 year old son got a Wonka Bar for Christmas. His friend said that he didn’t know they sold them in real life & my son said of course they Oompa loompa doompety doo.
“I’d like to speak with a manager”
My kid keeps asking why we don’t decorate outside for Halloween and I’m tempted to buy a bunch of posterboard and just write the scariest things I can think of on it….like “daycare is calling you at work right before a big presentation,” or “Check Engine light comes on”.
Mrs Lemon: hi honey. Good day at work?
Mr Lemon: awful. Care for some homemade lemonade?
Mrs Lemon: where… where are the kids?
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..
Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.
shut up and take my money
If I could pick a superpower it would be to clone myself so the other me could answer the 4,291,386 questions my 4 year old asks daily
Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.
It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.
It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.
Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.