Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.
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[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go
Fun Fact: Every hour of daylight savings is kept in a subterranean vault in Colorado. Once every four years, they release them all, and that’s how we get a leap day.
[first day as tour guide in New York]
Me: that’s the Statue of Liberty
Guy: what is she clutching
Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty
Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!
The 10 Most Defining Viral Twitter Posts of All Time
1.
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
Me: *answering each question by shouting my name and Social Security number, refusing to crack*
Job Interviewer: *growing increasingly flustered*
Am I original?
-Yeaaah.
Am I the only one?
-Yeaaah.
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
Ok byyyyye.
Me: I can’t do anything right
Therapist: You’re in my chair
The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.
*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL
Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.
“Doctor, I’m afraid of people yelling letters of the alphabet at me.”
THERAPIST: Oh! You are? WHY???
*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*
“Make a wish,” I say.
*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*
Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor
Proctology is located in A55
its wild how some kids are so free with other new kids with brief torrential friendships on a playground. imagine grown ups just walking up to each other like “HEY, ADULT” and then you’re grocery shopping or doing your taxes together for an hour then never see them again
I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…
Or watch it, even.
I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.
Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.
Me: You have other pants and you wore those?
*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.
Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.
4yo: let me smell your eyelashes!
Me:…ok
4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face?
Me: this is how nightmares are born.
To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
Wishing a much deserved truly blessed day to my Instacart shopper who just told me she’s EGGCITED to get started on my order and for me to ROMAINE calm in case any items are out of stock, absolutely masterful, no notes