An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.
The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”
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Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?
Me: I found the place
Owner: So?
Me: Finders keepers
Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn
Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.
Said to my girlfriend that she had changed my life more that she will ever know. She became overwhelmed with emotion. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was because she showed me a shortcut on Microsoft Excel which I now use daily
me: [taking off shirt]
wife: woah slow down there bud
me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?
(Me,after returning from exam)
Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper?
Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn’t knew.
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
Guys who try to pick up women on Twitter are a bit sad…
Ladies, if you agree, DM me your number so we can talk about it…
Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 🙄🙄😂
[Jesus as a Doordash driver]
[Eats your fish and chips]
[Delivers double your original order]
True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.
If I wanted to insult a humpback whale I’d call it a ‘quasimofo’ then I would high five myself and probably drown idk I haven’t thought this through.
Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
The bruises on my arms? They are definitely NOT from getting my arms stuck in the UPS drop box.
robber: me n Lenny will handle this job tonight, obviously you’re gonna be lookout again…sorry Joe
giraffe: this is bullshit Steve
My favorite part about the teenage mutant ninja turtles is that they felt the need to wear masks so people would not recognize them at their regular jobs
colleague: do u like the clown from IT?
me: nah he never fixes my computer
*Secretly duct-tapes boomerang to the back of his car*
Him: *Drives away*
Me: *whispers* “yeah, you’ll be back.”
My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.
God, I hate Apple. I updated my iPhone software and now I’m missing a bunch of photos, 30 bucks from my dresser and my favorite pants.
My wife had the audacity to tell me she “Wanted a break” like she doesn’t already get 5 minutes every day. The psychopath.
My son 🙋🏽♂️was SO cute today, he asked me “dad are clouds candy?” 😍 I told him they were water. 💦 Then he asked “dad, what’s Earth’s defense system?” and then I remembered I don’t have a son and he asked again his eyes now obsidian black “what is the defense system father”
ME: *giggles* I wouldn’t say I have a ‘type’…
DOCTOR: Sir, you’re losing a lot of blood and we need to make this transfusion
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
I’m going to freeze some of my sperm so that if something goes wrong later in life, I can kill my nemesis with a disgusting icicle.
Bloodmobile: Sir, for the last time, this isn’t a food truck.
Dracula: Theez iz some bullshit.
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*