I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.
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So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.
I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you
Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.
[Playing poker]
*Takes my college diploma out of my wallet, unfolds it and slams it on the table
I raise you 125k
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
I’ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I’m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks
when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off
Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”
New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me
[Super Villain Team Tryouts]
COACH: Tell me what you can do
MAGNETO: I can manipulate metal
LOKI: I’m a god
THE PENGUIN (shoving his way to the front): I LIKE PENGUINS!
Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate
Cop: Suspect located, we’re in hot pursuit
Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOU’RE CUTE TOO!
My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
[wedding day]
fiancé: I shouldn’t have let you pick the photographer
me: but he’s my best friend
[our dog trots up wearing a go pro]
Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.
“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
i would wish you the best but i am the best
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
Today the neighbors are blasting country music from the boom box on the back deck. Tomorrow, they’ll be looking for the boom box that used to be on their back deck.
Shaved my legs for the 1st time in forever today. It was like taking a bulldozer to the rainforest. Birds flying out, villagers scattering.
5yo: if superman & batman had a big fight, superman could throw him into space where he’d suffocate’. I’m raising a problem solver you guys.
As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.