teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees
class: OOOOH
[opens hawk cage]
class: AAAHHH
[calls principal]
RELEASE THE BEES
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realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some
Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me
“Make yourself at home.” they say, then it’s “Ma’am please put your bra back on.”
Make up your mind, library story time, make up your mind!
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.
Her: “Wanna get some coffee?”
Me: “I actually don’t like coffee”
Her: *Gasp*
The whole town: *Gasp*
All of New York: *Gasp*
The media: “This just in *Gasp*”
The world: *Gasp*
Aliens: *Fleeb* (Gasp)
Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task
May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]
Husband: *struggling to get soap out of the bottle*
Me: you know you could refill it
Husband: nah if you leave it long enough it fills up on its own
Me: do you think I’m the soap fairy!!?
Husband: omg are you?
Me: I hate you
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
In case you were looking for a sign to lock your car doors – this is it
When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug
“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
haha sucks for women that they have to sit down to poop
Trust the software, it knows things you and I do not!
I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.
*returning snake to the pet store* my hamsters won’t come out of this tunnel
That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
Me: Of all my kids, you’re my favorite
12: I’m your only kid
Me: Well that attitude won’t keep you in the top spot for long
I was in a debate and someone defended their position by saying, “Opinions can’t be wrong”
I said, “In my opinion, opinions CAN be wrong. Thus proving the existence of at least one wrong opinion.”
“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.
I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.
Sober me: I hate drunk people
Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT
hm so saying “oh god” and “oh yes” during sex is acceptable and encouraged but as soon as i say “oh text RESIST to 50409 to support net neutrality” im suddenly ruining the mood??
Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.
My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.
-my suicide note
Been playing hide n’ seek with my niece and nephew for the last three hours. I guess I should get off twitter and go and look for them now.
8-year-old: It’s so weird to see a teacher at the store.
Me: Teachers have lives outside of school.
8: Since when?
#ParentingFacts