Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married youMe: Apology accepted
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Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
Live a little.
ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
Fun game:
Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours
my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them
Steve : I’m going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.
*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*
“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
Writing, She Murdered.
At what age do you tell your child Alexa isn’t real?
I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.
took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time
[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]
“I brought chicken”
shit just got real
Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.
HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
[post sex]
Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad
Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon
*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
AC just changed cole slaw to coke slaw so I’ll be busy looking for new recipes
or a new dealer. depends on the recipe I guess
Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?
I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours
Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.
152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
I’m sporting Cameron Diaz’ *Something About Mary” hairdo, but tragically, the magic ingredient is Cadbury Crème egg filling.
I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere
This guy on Animal Planet is looking for some kind of leopard and I’ve never wanted someone to be eaten by a leopard more than I do right now.
Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.
How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?
I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job