Why are we forcing a single payer military plan on everyone? There should be a basic military that covers you, and if you want to bomb another country on top of that, you pay for it yourself. It’s about choice
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I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?
… sounds better than tinder
Today’s homeschooling Google searches:
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect
Pineapple farms looks like someone said they were a pineapple farmer and got caught in the lie so just started chucking pineapples on the grass
Normal people eating: *CRUNCH* *SLURP* *GULP* 🙂
Me eating: If I make any noise at all whilst eating people might judge me and I MIGHT DIE
DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.
Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer
[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.
If I were a rapper I’d write a lyric like “Get money, make cupcakes. Must be winter ‘cuz I be frosting,” and my pseudonym would be One-Zee.
Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies
Why do meditation exercises always start by telling me to close my eyes? How am I gonna read the rest of the instructions?! 😆
There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango
*entire building at my work loses power*
*I run all the way to Linda’s office*
Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?
im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances
*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*
Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined
me: righty tighty lefty loosey
frankenstein: stop
Just this preview of the story is enough
I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.
DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?
Me: no I just look like that
Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.
Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.
If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.
[skydiving]
cute instructor: open your chute!
me: lol make me
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.
Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach
I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”