What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.
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me: (11 pm) 😴
me: (1 am) 😴
me: (3 am) 😴
me: (5 am) 😴
me: (7 am) 😳DAMN! I forgot to move the elf, again!
[blind date]
HER: I just want to honestly know what’s in a guy’s heart
ME {trying to impress her}: blood
Date: wanna get out of here?
Me: let me just tie my shoe *realizes i don’t know how to tie my shoes* how bout another round of spaghetti
Lingerie.
…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!
People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.
can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦♂️ whatever u say gorgeous
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?
Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.
Can Twitter come up with relationship statuses like FB?
-Married and spouse knows about account
-Married but acts single
-Single and getting some
-Single and jealous of people getting some
-Registered sex offender
Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.
I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.
If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad
MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?
[blind date]
So,where you from?
[eyes turn black]
T h E S E v E n T H C i R C L e O F H e L L
Oh nice. ever miss it?
[cries blood]
Y e s
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
How to cow tip:
First, sneak up behind the cow.
Next, get into a wide stance.
Finally, slip the money into it’s bell.
Me: that’s BS
6: boring stuff?
Me, knowing I’ll probably regret it, but it will be funny: …yes
WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.
[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?
I usually stumble upon her safe words by accident, like when I say ‘moist’ or ‘I paid full price for everything at Whole Foods’
*gets hit by car*
me: it’s ok buddy can happen to anyone*friend says I’ll call you right back and doesn’t*
me: there can be no forgiveness for this
I just want to apologize to all the guys I dated BEFORE I started using Prozac.
And to their wives. And their local fire departments.
(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?
wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”
Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive…you’re literally going that way anyway…just give me a ride.
*Strong man rips a phone book in half
Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?
My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁
me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente