My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.
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I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch
My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.
I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
Dear Diary,
I went back to the gym for the first time since before the holidays today. Struggling to remember what it is I’m supposed to do here. I took a bite out of a dumbbell and that wasn’t right, but I’m close. I can feel it.
Me: When I have a rough day, you’re there. When I need to cry, you’re there. Nobody helps me gain 10 pounds the way you do. Cheesecake:
*When you can teleport through your phone*
Hello! Can you here me?
I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.
If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.
My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.
My daughter says people on Facebook are warning to not post about your hairdresser if they make a house call because they’ll lose their license. I imagine vigilante beauticians using the cover of night to sneak out and fight dead ends and gray roots using their capes as…capes.
restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
5 [falls down playing in creek]: ow my leg! Dad I need a Band-Aid!
Me: You’re not bleeding, Band-Aids are for when we bleed
5: I neeeeeeed one!
Me [sighing and preparing for placating, goes to put Band-Aid on leg]
5: not there! On my arm!
[bed]
ME: [with one foot poking out of the covers] Monsters could get me
ME: [pulling foot under covers] I am now completely safe
If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.
I’ve been teaching the orcas how to sink boats. Soon I will ride one into battle and take my rightful position as lord of the seas right after I learn how to open my eyes underwater
Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t
me: yo lemme get somma those THYIICC fries
kfc: you mean potato wedges?
me: yes potato wedges please
My 9yo just made a poster for his new math tutoring service, which he claims is “free,” “easy,” and “not under investigation by the state.”
Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
me: “why was she called the little mermaid, she was 5ft7?”
therapist: “i meant anything bothering you about your marriage keith”
“Dad, what caused the Great Fire of London?”
[googles but can’t get wifi] Well son, that’s when Bach dropped the most fire mixtape of 1666
My daughter watched a trial of mine today and when it was over (expecting praise and adulation) I said, “Wellllll how’d I do?”
Her, “You sure did lead your witness a lot.”
*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don’t know. How do you THINK today is going?
DAD: when your grandpa died we planted that tree so we don’t forget him
ME: cool
[later]
TREE: You still remember grandpa chuck?
ME: yeah
TREE: cool just checkin
Me: …so anyway, the doctor said I might be lactose intolerant
Mom: *hysterical crying*
Dad: you’re a disgrace to the State of Wisconsin. Don’t come home for Thanksgiving. *slams down phone*
I got sunburned at the beach and now my husband won’t listen to anything I say because he doesn’t “take advice from tomatoes.”
Leaving the grocery store: Shoot. I forgot to get bread.
Leaving Costco: Shoot. I forgot to get bread. And a gazebo.
Canadians have a pretty great reputation, in the world and on Twitter – polite, peaceful, community-driven, they don’t wear shoes indoors…
Canada is the reason we put pineapple on pizza.
Discuss.
[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11