someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting
You Might Also Like
Found a $20 in the laundry I’ve been looking for all week. Just gonna go back to bed now and quit while I’m ahead.
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
Washing machine doesn’t give a shit
“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice
Me: I don’t know how to hold this baby
Her: Head held high
Me *proudly* I don’t know how to hold this baby
Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.
watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it
Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification
*offers Batman cough drops*
Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?
For whatever reason, I get super quiet when I hear a helicopter…like they are going to fly over my house and say, “WE KNOW HOW MANY TACO BELL SAUCE PACKETS YOU HAVE IN THERE.”
DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*
You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe’s when you’re starving to death.
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!
This might damage our relationship but I don’t use ketchup on fries
When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 😂
If you think you’re going to be in a dangerous situation, dress accordingly. Don’t wear flip-flops to a bank robbery, for example.
My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.
My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
I just used Quandary in casual conversation, like some sort of philosophical genius, and everyone laughed and then I ran back to my computer to make sure I used it correctly and I did, so you may call me Professor.
Next episode of Why are Customers So Annoying
Dear Impatient Customer,
If you call someone and get their voicemail, calling me to transfer you will not make them answer when I’m transferring you to the same number you just called 5 seconds ago.
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
Packing my daughter’s prom kit…lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I’ve uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
The 4 stages of a family vacation
So, lemme get this straight…
Scooby-Doo can talk and help solve murders, but can’t go to the store and buy himself Scooby snacks??