okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.
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Listen, I’m as surprised as you are that I have no murderous ex-lovers, but I was gifted (and/or cursed) with the ability to leave someone so tenderly they’re left thinking it was their idea, and wondering why they ever let me go.
The lady at the passport office just said to the man in line: The Walgreens down the street takes great pictures.
I said: I, too, am incredibly photogenic.
“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate
[zombie wedding]
Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*
My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I’ll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.
NASA: The moon is wobbling.
Me [on my 3rd Bloody Mary]: same
I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.
Hot single dads in your area AREN’T WORKING 60 HOURS A WEEK FOR YOU TO AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD SHUT THE GODDAMN DOOR.
“Have you tried drinking more water?”
is the new
“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”
of health advice.
Homeschooling day 3
Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…
5yo: OMG I’M STARVING I NEED TO EAT I’M GONNA DIIIIIEE!!
*eats 3 fries*
5yo: Can I be done?
My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
Sometimes vampires bite and kill their victims and sometimes they bite and turn them into vampires. So it’s like, do I just want supper or do I want a BFF?
I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber
My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.
Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon
It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”
My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?
the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers
so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.
Y’all!! I’m dying I ordered delivery to my hotel and here they have a robot that takes it up to you. The robot got here and then REFUSED to give me my food and instead just said “going home now” and drove off. Haha the future is WILD y’all
I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…
“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well
[2 cavemen]
Look what me discover! This game changer!
*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”
*takes back mixtape* FIRE!
Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented