Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.
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“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.
me: this house is making lots of creaky sounds
realtor: that just means it’s settling
my fiancee: *creaky sounds*
ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?
NEIGHBOR: Deborah
an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this
Who did it better?
Angel: Welcome to Heaven
Me: But… this is a Costco…
A: Yes. And here is a map with the exact locations listed for every item you need
M: *falls to my knees, sobbing with emotion and gratitude*
I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,
Smiling
You know what’s coming next..
It’s your turn to do the laundry
[Spills wine]
“My medicine!!”
You can tell my friends are younger and don’t have kids because I just got this text:
Are you free this Saturday night? Come over for my birthday dinner! Wear velvet
I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”
Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [leaning in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.
Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-showers
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
-pooping
You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely
*good cop/bad cop interrogation*
*good cop is nice to the suspect*
*bad cop shoots good cop and sets suspect free*
man he’s a bad cop
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.
*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*
If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”
You can avoid every meeting.
You’re welcome.
The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
At the beach I saw someone in regular clothes, no towel, no beach gear, sleeping face down in the sand. Wasn’t sure what I was looking at. “Do I call the cops? I don’t have any bars and it’s a long walk to the car. Oh good, she rolled over.”
Like a good neighbor
plow my driveway, not my wife
[1863]
LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—
MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers
Server: Want one of our famous milkshakes?
Me: Well, I saw your yard and it was empty.
Server: Huh?
Me: No boys.
Server: Huh?
Me: No thanks.