When your 1st kid crawls into your bed, you carry them back to theirs. 2nd kid crawls into your bed, you let them stay because you’re tired. When the 3rd kid gets into your bed, you go sleep in theirs and it’s the best night you’ve had in 8 years.
You Might Also Like
“I think I have ADHD, doc”
why?
“I keep forgetting where I parked my Ford”
that’s not-
“yeah I keep losing my Focus”
get out of my office
Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose
[dinner]
SIS: I made $1M last year. Please pass the peas
BRO. Same. Please pass a roll
ME: I have $1.23 in my shoe. Please pass the cyanide
I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair
This encourages me to spend less time in it
I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..
You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.
I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
Note for people married to fanatical hikers: when they say “let’s get out and walk a little,” your idea of a little might be to that ice cream stand over there and theirs might be 5 miles.
I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
Loyalty is very important for my wife…
My girlfriend doesn’t care.
Funny how different sisters can be! 😜
*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation
*travels back in time just to slap some guy across the cheek with a glove and call him a scoundrel*
me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
Whenever I see ‘faeces,’ I think ‘faces,’ like “oh my gosh they smeared faces on the wall.”
*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking
Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch?
Oscar: Growing up, my parents were-
*stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle*
CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
WEBSITE CEO: We need a fool-proof way to ensure everyone who enters the site is over 18
“What about clicking on a button that says I’m over 18?”
WEBSITE CEO: Bob, you have done it again
You only live once. Go talk to that gorgeous person… ask them for their phone number, steal their identity, buy yourself a big screen TV
ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
PARAMEDICS: …
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it