5: You guys picked me and 3 as your kids because we’re so good. You could have picked the bad kids that other parents chose.
Me to H: [whispers] Should we tell her that if we could have picked we would have chosen better kids than her and 3?
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My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”
And now we wait…
[job interview]
willy wonka: what experience do you have hiding bodies
oompa loompa: i’m sorry i was told this was for a factory position
[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”
The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.
mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds
Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”
Man: *shaking collection tin* please sir, for alcoholics
Me: *taking the tin* wow, that’sh sho kind, thankshh!
children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively
the court clerk in surfer court: do you swear to tell the truth & nothing but the truth & refrain from telling stories that are grody to the max, so help you god?
me, with my right hand in the air & my left hand on a ham sandwich: totally
Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time
My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.
Cashier: Did you find everything you needed?
Me: Oh what I need you can’t find in stores, if you know what I mean.
C:
Me: Yes I’m good, thanks.
JIM MORRISON: people are strange, when you’re a stranger
PRODUCER: nice
JIM MORRISON: people are docks, when you’re a doctor
PRODUCER: what
JIM MORRISON: *wiggling fingers* people are ticks, when you’re a tickler
PRODUCER (lips on mic): uh, I think we’re good Jim
*man with beerbelly waiting outside elementary school*
*teacher walks towards man*
“are you expecting a child?”
“no thats from all the beer”
Me: got my fries just gonna open this packet of ketchup.
Ketchup Packet: haha nope.
Me: come on man please.
Ketchup Packet: use your teeth.
Me: uh what?
Ketchup Packet: use. your. teeth.
Me: ugh fine.
[ketchup explodes everywhere]
Ketchup Packet: lol.
I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.
Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
The ample amount of cheese on anything is more
*getting murdered*
WAIT!!!!!!!
*buys new underwear and put them on.*
*flosses*
*sets phone on fire*Okay, proceed.
I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.
If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.
She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
What’s pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff.
What’s purple and fluffy?
Pink fluff holding its breath.#RubbishJokes #PinkDay
#ThursdayVibe