Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2
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Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.
I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
WHY would you be happy about this?
Archeologist 1: Remember the whole Mayan calendar scare in 2012?
A2: I do.
A1: I found an addendum on back of the calendar.
A2: I can’t read it. What does it say?
A1: It says, “sry, chisel-o. Apocalypse in 2021. My bad.”
My neighbors started fighting and I can hear everything, so yes my life has a meaning again
Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.
Toddlers & Ghosts
-haunt you at all hours
-lots of moaning/screaming
-unclear motives
-not helpful with housework
-randomly open cupboards
Me: I cleaned under the fridge and there were a bunch of Honey Nut Cheerios
Wife: How do you know they weren’t regular Cheerios???
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: *drinks water*
[date]
me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*
her: nice weather
me: thanks
if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito
I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges
Just signed up for free HBO, but the terms and conditions were so steep I think I also agreed to carry Steve Buscemi’s baby.
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?
[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker
I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.
If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.
Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
Just show up everyday and be consistent.
Toddlers make it easy to do that especially when they come to your room and just show up in your face, silently, at 3 am staring at you.
me: i will have the chicken parmesan
waiter: actually the kitchen has run out of parmesan—i’m very sorry, sir
me: no parm, no fowl
Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.
Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.
That’s no pocket rocket.
*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”
Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job
Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT