[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”
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I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
oh sorry i cant im busy that day
I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet
choosing between self-checkout and cashier is such a battle for me. there’s either a 100% chance i have to interact with a human or a 20% chance i have to interact with a human to explain why i am too dumb
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”
Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
Him: Could you be any more annoying?
Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.
Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.
Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.
“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer
I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words…
“Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice”.
I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him
Can. I. Help. You.
Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.
Baby: *sleeps longer than expected*
Me: *checks if baby is alive*Kid: *makes loud thud from other room*
Me: *checks if kid is alive*Teen: *hasn’t sighed in an hour*
Me: *checks if teen is alive*
If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.
I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.
early stone age tool
Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
[lunch date]
“I’ll have a salad.”
Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.
Hey, we never talked in high school!
Let’s be Facebook friends so we can once again never talk!
JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!
I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.
If you enjoy kazoo music at 7am, I would recommend having children.
*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?
Me: What’s for dinner?
Her: Chinese.
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*catches duck
*fires up juicer
Me: (slightly intoxicated ) I don’t think our cat understands me at all.
16: Mom, put the guinea pig back in his cage please. You’re scaring him.
(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.
Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
Me: ok what did you do
Cat: U THINK CAT AM ONLY BEING NICE 2 COVER UP CRIME??
Me: well there’s precedent
Cat: AM INSULTED
Cat: AM DISGUSTED
Cat: AM MOST AND GOOD INNOCENT CAT
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat: FINE CAT AM PEE IN LAUNDRY BASKET
ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you
I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.