me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home
wife: what happened to you?
me: I met a celebrity this morning
wife: and….
[earlier at the car wash]
optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?
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A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…
[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]
YO TWITTER PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME OUT. THIS IS MY DREAM AND WOULD BE BEYOND BLESSED IF YALL CAN HELP A DUDE OUT. RETWEET!!!
wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”
I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that
Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT
Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance
Welcome to Insults Я Us, you sack of crap. Buy some stuff if you’re not too cheap. Maybe eat out of a garbage can. You’d probably like that
*cop pulls me over*
Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?
Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?
*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*
Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.
Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.
Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.
wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me:
We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.
[first day as an undercover cop]
mobster: are you wearing a wire
guy in my earpiece: say no
me: they said to tell you no
My 5-year-old just asked if we could have Hotdog Bell for dinner.
There is no Hotdog Bell here.
I’m not sure if there’s a Hotdog Bell at all.
What?
Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?
My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup
You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
My son is more polite to an Alexa speaker than his own family
Apparently, all it takes is knowing every dinosaur fact in the universe
If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.
Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.
when ur mom took the xbox away because you got a D- on ur report card and you went to your room, slammed the door, and turned this song up to full volume on the radioshack speakers so the whole family knew you were gonna be full of angst for the next several days
Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?
Date: uhh
Bruce: my regular normal carmobile