My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.
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Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?
🌱🌱🌱
Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
*Screaming at kids at soccer practice
LADY: Which one is yours?
ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.
My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break
My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.
which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose
I’ve gained 20lbs since the election. If Trump stays in office much longer I’ll have to chain myself to a girl in a gold bikini.
If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.
My daughter’s principal made a surprise visit to every 5th grader’s house to hand out “class of 2020” bags, t-shirts, and beach towels.
Let me tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve stood in your doorway braless in pajamas chatting with your kid’s principal.
Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks
My sister’s fiance is visiting from England on Friday, i thought I’d surprise him so I’ve been driving on the wrong side of the road
He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
Your honor these allegations are
[in the bedroom]
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: whoops my bad
HER: and in my eye
ME: sorry I can’t control it
HER: have you ever painted before
I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.
Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.
I must be getting old.
The haircut I need is in my nose.
got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience
Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.
[first day in prison]
Hey new fish what you in for?
“Killed 4 people during a game of Mario Party”
*everyone backs away slowly*
I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.
How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?
Kid: “Mom, there’s a dead possum in the yard.”
Me: “Let’s take a look.” [pokes possum with stick]
Possum: [pops up]
Me: Aaaaaahhhhh! [faints]
Possum: [starts poking me with a stick]
Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.