In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
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Always 🥴
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
*hops in time machine*
him: where ya going?
me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW
Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*– parallel parking a time machine
My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
[Giraffes at gym]
“What do you want to work on today?”
Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before.
“So…neck day again”
You bet
My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”
So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?
Child: Can I have some help with my homework?
Me: Sure. Let’s see. [reading] If you have six apples and give one-[10 minutes later]
Me: FIVE. FFS THE ANSWER IS FIVE
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
it’s a van. how do they not know this
Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.
You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.
There were things in the big “I got scammed” piece that I think I’d have fallen for and things I think I wouldn’t have, but if an ostensible law enforcement officer tells me I cannot get a lawyer I am getting a Triple Deluxe Lawyer
Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke
If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?
I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said
My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.
“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
Why is no one talking about this?!
Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.
I need a treadmill with a reward system.
Run 10k, here’s a pizza.
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…