I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again
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“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”
“Sweet! We should hang out!”
– Ear buds
[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra
Me when the elevator tries to leave without me
MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead
ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE
I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective
[shopping on full stomach] bread, eggs, milk
[shopping on empty stomach] cookies, chips, a taco truck, a pizza shop, an ice cream factory
Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.
gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots
In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.
Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.
You’re welcome.
I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
Nobody does “I’m walking back inside the house but as slowly as possible to indicate I’m not happy about it” like a dog.
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.
*first day as an accountant*
me: so where are the ants?
i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet
No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.
If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.
morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
I’m not one to bet, but I’d put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.
Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly
One day, a handsome man will look me in the eyes and lovingly say, “I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” and this time it won’t be law enforcement.
As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.
[lowering myself Mission Impossible style from the ceiling and hovering over your sleeping body]
Me, whispering: So, what did you mean by “oh.” in that text message?
Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?
Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.
To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???
My issue with Jeopardy is that you never get the sense that the contestants are in any real danger
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me: okay. I’ll stop twerking now
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.