Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
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You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
There were things in the big “I got scammed” piece that I think I’d have fallen for and things I think I wouldn’t have, but if an ostensible law enforcement officer tells me I cannot get a lawyer I am getting a Triple Deluxe Lawyer
Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑
I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.
Mmmm. Shoeshi
BOSS: Ok, so we’ve decided we’re definitely going to call our new product yogert. Has anyone got any thoughts on the spelling?
ROBHURT: yeh
If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.
My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.
Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.
At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.
I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.
Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
Hey I worked for it too!
Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly.
4-year-old: That’s it?
Me: What did you want it to be?
4: A dragon.
I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late
my five year old was struggling getting his seat belt buckled. He tried multiple times unsuccessfully to get the tab into the buckle and yelled “it’s like they broke up!”
ME: alas why must i suffer the cabbages of time
HER: you mean ‘ravages’?
ME: *eating expired coleslaw* you heard me
I got IDd last night, but as I was rummaging around in my purse for my ID, the dude saw my checkbook and said “nevermind” 😭😒🤣 FIRST OF ALL
I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.
in case you haven’t heard it today:
– you matter
– you are loved
– your feathers are fluffy
– your plumage is the perfect shade of yellow
– you will one day pay homage to your ducky overlords
– you are beautiful
“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.
My grandpa went broke like 6 times trying stupid get rich quick schemes and played tennis like 5 days a week never got good and then when he died we found a bunch of sex picture that he was taking with my grandma so I’m not sure that generation was much different tbh
I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
Although we’ve been together for 30+ years, my wife discovered only yesterday that I actually do quite a passable Charles impersonation.
It’s completely revolutionised our lovemaking, I tell you.
A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.