Occasionally I just fall behind on something people are talking about and make a note to catch up when I have time. I’m off work this week and now understand that NYT Connections is not a dating app.
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I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.
Sometimes I feel like a decent parent and sometimes my kids start fiddling with the volume and temperature in my car without asking.
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering
gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket
Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?
No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed
I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead
The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.
Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster.
As a result, they’re now all my enemies, but they’re naked & having cereal for brekkie.
*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!
Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨
*solves baby formula supply chain issues*
[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS
I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud
My sister told me a guy dressed as Michael Myers for a 3k today. Slow walked the entire time and finished dead last.
There are few things I respect more than full commitment to the bit.
I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND RIGHT NOW, she screamed to the 2 liter bottle of club soda rolling around in the backseat.
Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn’t improved since fourth grade.
me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome
blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?
me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course
Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.
Another perk of being a music teacher…
What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?
I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.
The seatbelt sensor dinged at my 5yo because he unbuckled while we were parked, and he yelled back MY MOM SAID I COULD OK
I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”
Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?
Tomato: No.
Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday:
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
If you find a perfectly usable item discarded outside someone’s house, it’s best to assume it is haunted and leave it well alone:
– a nice chair? No, an evil chair
– a child’s bike? No, a possessed child’s bike
– a half-eaten burrito? Eat the burrito
12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.