*man with beerbelly waiting outside elementary school*
*teacher walks towards man*
“are you expecting a child?”
“no thats from all the beer”
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We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.
How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?
Juliet: *Sees Romeo’s lifeless body* Eh, it was like 4 days.
Shakespeare: *From overhead* No, you’re distraught! You also want to kill yourself.
J: But, I’m only 13!
S: C’mon you agreed to this. You’re the lead!
J: Fine! *plunges dagger into heart*
– Shakespeare Pressure
It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
[breathing]
“I could do this all day.”
sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
ME (pulling wishbone): I won
WIFE: what’d u wish for?
M: uh world peace
W: Nice
*human-sized bacon strip walks into kitchen* Hey, what’s up?
Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
<Enter Password>
Morningbreath
<Password too strong>
Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.
god: did you give the dinosaurs more muscle like I asked
angel: wait what
god: I told you to make them meatier
angel: oh MEATier
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
A new study shows that mussels are changing as the ocean warms. Hopefully they’re changing to be garlic & butter-flavoured.
im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…
*Stands at produce aisle
*Grabs GIANT zucchini
*Holds it high in the air
*Yells:
Is THIS cucumber big enough for you, honey?!?!?!
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: Sexy nurse!
H: Meet me in the bedroom.
[10 minutes later]
*we both come in wearing nurse costumes*
M: Uh.
So far this “doctor” has insisted on giving me a haircut and 9 shots for a stomach ache and when I questioned her credentials she called the police on me.
4: *hands me toy phone* Talk to them.
mom asked me how I felt about her dating a younger guy, and I told her “just make sure u raise him right” and now she’s taking me out of her will
*5yo curses incessantly after falling.*
*Me realizing where he got it from: 😬*
Hubby: “Are there any trophy stores open? You deserve a mother of the year award.”
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*
Fun Fact: All the confetti thrown during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is cut from a single CVS receipt.
Asked my toddler if she’d work on being more careful when eating in her car seat. Her response was an immediate “No.” At least she’s honest.
First person to see an eclipse: SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII…oh okay
Vader: “I am your father.”
Luke: “I am your father.”
Vader: “Stop copying me.”
Luke: “Stop copying me.”
Vader: “Shut up.”
Luke: “Shut up.”
*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.