Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.
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*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Wife: “No.”
*takes pants off*
*tries on another pair in The Gap change room*
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.
My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.
What do you call a man with no car???
…an Uber.
Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.
This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
I love how there’s just no social rules at the airport. Wanna sleep on the ground in public? Cool. A shot of tequila and beer at 7am? Right on, normal stuff. Also the dogs are cops.
*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*
I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.
I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages
I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.
Killing an albatross won’t bring bad luck to sailors, but that is exactly the sort of thing an albatross would go around telling people.
[Giraffe Weatherman]
“Yes Bob, we have a major blizzard happening up here but
*giraffe lowers head*
on the ground we’re still looking good.”
Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
Nothing to do, you say?
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
ChatGPT cannot be stopped.
[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]
“Stop hurting that octopus!”
Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.
Thinking about my friend who wanted to explore her bisexuality and finally plucked up the courage to go to an ‘introduction to beavers’ workshop at the lesbian camp at a festival we were at, and it was an ecologist talking about beavers (the mammal) for 90 minutes
When my cousin came out as gay, his parents wanted him to see a psychiatrist.
Which is too bad.
Cuz he was already seeing a handsome lawyer.
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
Perfection.
[Traffic jam]
CAR 1: Hoonk!
CAR 2: Honk!
CAR 3: Honk, hooonk!
ME: *Holding up my goose* No pressure, Chester, whenever you’re ready.
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
They say a dog park is a great place to meet guys.
I don’t have a dog, but I walk around with a bag full of poop so I don’t look weird.
Important reminders
NYT: No, we did not make Wordle harder. We promise.
Also NYT: Today’s Wordle is KHYBX — which everyone knows is a popular 11th century Latin delicacy derived from quicksand extract. Duh.
All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.