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The floor after my kids eat one granola bar
“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”
I’ve never related to a meme more in my life #gradschool
My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.
thought we’d see more kids named goku by now
Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito
When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about
Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?
90% of having a cat is frantically telling your partner to quickly and quietly come into the room bc your cat is sitting in a cute position
A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.
I thought: “No whey, Jose.”
I hate it when people find out what food you hate and then swear you’ve never had it when it’s ripe or prepared properly.
“You’re right! I’ve been eating it off the floor. That’s the problem. Teach me how to live.”
If you are in a relationship and one of you has the better credit score. That is why they call it a significant other
(Sign-if-I-can’t )
Pretending to WFH while my mom is around is way worse than actually working.
She’s on to me. I can feel her breath behind my neck…
Going into a teenagers room is like going to IKEA…
You only go in for one thing, but you come out with 6 mugs, a cake tin, and a set of cutlery!
Parish Council to all moorside residents –
Once again: the nightly screams beyond the high cottages are foxes. They aren’t the result of werewolf activity. Stop spreading this silly idea. This is 2020. You should all know werewolves prefer to strike before their prey screams.
I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.
You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did
Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand
My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
Fun like a LinkedIn notification
I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose
You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
No Amazon, I don’t want to sort stuff by “Price: High to Low,” who are the billionaires who would even make that an option?
[invention of blue cheese]
“this cheese has gone off”
sell it
“but it’s gone mouldy”
I SAID SELL IT!
“fine”
& double the price
“are u ok?”
Me: I had to learn to drive on a stick
Daughter: Wow, you guys really were poor growing up. Did the stick at least have tires and an engine?
My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.