Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.
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They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
me: [in bed, hears a weird noise] wtf was that?!
dracula: [bursts out of my closet]
me: did you hear that too?!
dracula: yeah wtf was that?!
I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you
I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust
Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to
LEATHERFACE: Hruaghaww! *revs chainsaw*
VICTIM: Oh my god! It’s Leatherface!
LEATHERFACE: Wait! Wait. Is that what people are calling me? Do they think this is my face? It’s a mask! And it’s not even leather. It’s made of a face. They should call me “Facemask.”
her: this man needs medical help
me: let me through I’m a doctor
her: why are you opening his mouth?
me: no cavities
her: he’s having a heart attack
me: flosses regularly
her: do something
me: there’s nothing I can do his teeth are great
I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”…
I couldn’t believe “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.
Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.
Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?
Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*
Mom: Did you dye your hair?
* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *
How did you know?
Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs
I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant
I don’t want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.
Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?
Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*
Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.
Toddler: I won’t eat that lovingly prepared, absolutely delicious, gourmet meal because it’s yucky
Also Toddler: Eats 5 week old goldfish cracker from car seat and cries for more
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?
Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.
Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.
MARY JANE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the comic Spider-Man
420BLAZEIT: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also Spider-Man
I’m not saying I was a gullible child but my sister once gave me a pair of scissors and said our grandma needed me to trim the carpet in her bedroom.
Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.
My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.
A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
Become ungovernable.
Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn’t recalled because it was too secure.
Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.
me: what’s your biggest turnoff
her: noisy people
me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same
i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.