Anyone got a 10 year old daughter I could introduce as mine?
Stuck in an elaborate lie after putting my music on shuffle at a party.
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3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again
i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)
I just don’t understand people who see Tesla hit pedestrians, blow up, and malfunction constantly and are like “yes please Mr. Musk I want to drive one underwater”
relationship status:
[ ] single
[ ] taken
[X] waiting for the spaceship to return
I wish they sold off-brand cars.
I’d get me a Joop
England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
me: haha no I’m not ready to have kids yet
landlord: no not parent, “pay rent.”
me: don’t get me started. i’m not compensated well at work whatsoever.
landlord: NO NOT PAY RANT!
My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.
My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.
Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?
A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.
Me: *Asks question on snapchat*
Them: *Answers question on snapchat*
Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”
My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.
But congrats on your pregnancy!
7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?
me: yes
7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?
me:
I’m okay, you?
Yea. Not bad. You?
Yea. Not too bad. Wby?
Yea I’m okay. You okay?
Yes. Not bad. You?
Not too bad. You?
Yes I’m alright. You okay?
Yes ya know. The usual. You okay?
I’m okay thanks. How’re you?
I’m okay thanks. You okay?
I’m okay
Good
Okay
Bye then
Bye
Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.
I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?
Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.
“Bjärk! Bjärk!”
-Björk’s dog
Me: Do you want kids?
Date: Yes! Definitely.Me: How many?
Date: Ideally two. A boy and a girl.Me: Perfect. I’ll drop them off on Saturday. Good luck.
HER: help I’m drowning!
ME: what’s the magic word?
HER: *gurgling* PLEASE![Later]
ME: *quietly to coroner* it was abracadabra
In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.
Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.
‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving
Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!
All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.
REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later
The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.