People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
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I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
I’m so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.
I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack
I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.
I am grateful for the canned, boxed, frozen dinners my parents provided. BUT my favorite thing about having worked in kitchens for years and having the time and ability to cook great, from-scratch meals for my children is when they say, “Ugh! Can’t we just order pizza!?!”
my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.
It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.
*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.
LITTLE BO PEEP: I’ve lost my sheep! I can’t remember where to find them!
DOCTOR: Sounds like Lambnesia
*gets on 1 knee*
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for a long time, but will you marry me?
Her: Please get off my knee
[hears a voice in the sky]
– Is it you? GOD?!
[kneels]
Voice: Could the idiot on platform 4 stop kneeling every time I make an announcement?
My neighbor thinks that the coyotes are back. When should I tell her that it was just 11 running around the backyard howling at the moon for no reason?
The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.
Sometimes when I’m in the shower I’ll hear a strange noise and start singing EXTRA good in case the intruder has some connections.
Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.
*purges outlook inbox
weigh me now
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
(At concert)
EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET!!
Me: Not a chance
WAVE YOUR ARMS!!
Me: Ridiculous
OKAY YOU GUYS SING!!
Me: WHOSE CONCERT IS THIS?
Take a selfie with me one last time
-the sign on my casket
Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.
Sometimes when I’m driving I’m overcome with an urge to run into an overpass pillar. Anyway, I’m Kris & I’ll be your Uber driver.
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I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.
As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.