Me: objection your honour!
Judge : sustained
Me: *takes deep breath* objectionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
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[first guy to be sent to hell]
guy: so it’s just you and me?
satan: yup
guy: damn
satan: *kicks rock with cloven hoof* yup
guy: i really hope more shitty people die soon
satan: *sigh* yup
My daughter saw a frog in the yard today so I won’t be leaving the house.
Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
The United States is going to start minting pennies next year that will have a joke on the front with the answer on back.
They will be referred to as “cents of humor.”
If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
My husband: All the flags are at half-mast this weekend.
Me: For Tina Turner?
My husband: [long, scathing pause] For Memorial Day.
I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.
Must be a covid thing.
[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]
Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.
[slowly puts second tub in cart]
beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
Ironically, my toys are also called Buzz and Woody
Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.
I was indifferent to Top Gun: Maverick, but I’m seeing so much good buzz about it that right now I’m going to drop everything and totally watch it on basic cable in a couple of years.
me: hey remember when we hid the stamps from the kids?
my brain: yup!
me: where did we put those?
my brain:
me:
my brain: ok, you’re never gonna believe this
I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
Girlfriend: [breaking up with me by phone] Hopefully someday it’ll be clear but you and I are not the same.
Me: Obviously not. They’re two different letters.
*click
My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.
Wife: Hey can you-
Me: Shhh. I’m in another stupid useless frigging Zoom meeting.
Boss: Okay just a reminder to put yourselves on mute.
If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.
Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart
Me: goodnight moon
Moon: It’s 6pm
Me: I know but I’m tired
Moon: I literally just got here
Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.
If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.
Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams
I’m honestly counting down the days until my kids are old enough to watch Jaws, and I can tell them, “They filmed this movie where we vacation every summer. It’s a documentary.”
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!
8-12yo’s apparently