Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.
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I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL
Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.
horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.
If Dua Lipa married Ronnie Biggs, divorced him to marry George Melly then divorced him to marry Winnie the Pooh she’d be Dua Biggs Melly Pooh.
No, YOU’RE a child!
To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
Husband: I love everything about you.
Me: Even my toe hair?
H: What toe hair?
Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.
I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.
All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.
[aquarium exit]
Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?
I beg your pardon?!
OPEN YOUR BAG
*opens bag and reveals two penguins*
ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*
STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?
ME: deep tissue massage
CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security
Four Worst Feelings Ever:
4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic
Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don’t pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL
A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone
Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.
Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.
If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.
People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.
My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.
You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.
You can’t have both.
[ first date ]
her: i like a man who plans financially for the future
me: i swallowed $9.13 this morning that i won’t be able to spend until later
People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.
If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.
60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
Fat chances are my favorite chances
The ritual complete, the blood god stands before the cultist.
“I have summoned you forth to destroy my enemies”
BLOOD GOD: …
“what?”
BLOOD GOD: It just feels like every time you bring me out of the forbidden realm it’s cause you want something, and you never just want to see me
popsicle not seeing heaven 😭
It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.
Step1) Buy 100 cans of tuna
Step2) Drain the cans into a bucket
Step3) Soak ur cloths in the tuna water
Step4) Go outside & get all the cats