Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.
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When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.
My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.
Once a guy pisses me off, I cancel their whole age group.
Currently accepting men aged 53, 74, and 98.
Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day
Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
Me, walking out of a store: *wow all these dudes are staring at ME? A middle aged mom? Ok. Yeah. Sure. I mean I guess I’m still hot maybe, ok yeah good for me*
Me, an hour later: *ok so I tucked my dress into my underwear a few hours ago I see that now NEVERTHELESS*
Interviewer: strengths?
Me: I’m sociable and can pretend to get along with most people….
Interviewer: er, ….. yes ok, right, moving on! Weaknesses?
Me: erm….*thinking furiously*…. bladder??
Word of advice.
If you forget to put on deodorant, sneaking into the walk-in freezer at work and holding your shirt up doesn’t solve the problem.
Also that creepy coworker will get even more creepier if you forget to close the door behind you.
well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic
“You’re saying it’s all an act?
Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.
son: I hate my name
me: but you’re named after your grandpappy
son: I still hate it
me: now look here Grandpappy Tanaka
All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.
[calling a plumber to unclog my sink]
mario: yeah.. there’s a princess stuck in your drain
me: what
mario: *shrinking into a little man* i’m going in
The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.
Wednesday
When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.
DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
God making Khaki
God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down
Angel: Nice!
G: But it shows every pee drip
A: Hilarious!
Mrs goat: I’m pregnant
Mr goat: You’re kidding
Mrs goat: Literally yes
*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac
Today. I. Realized. That. Typing. Like. This. Doesn’t. Make. Your. Point. Stronger. It. Makes. You. Look. Like. Your. Computer. Has. Asthma
I haven’t exaggerated in over 350 years.
I would like to propose Dual-McDonald’s, one side is for people who know what they want because we all have the same order as adults for life and one for people who eat there 3 times a week but pretend they’ve never seen the menu before.
You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!
[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
BRAAAIIINNNSS
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have loopus.
ME: Oh no! Is there a treatment?
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.
~ whiskey
I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move