GUY: *cuts me off in traffic
ME: *eating cereal* YOU SIR, SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED DRIVE A CAR!!
*angrily waves spoon
You Might Also Like
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound
I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.
That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.
The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late
It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
You ever notice that no one ever posts a story about meeting someone from Twitter in real life because they’re probably in a pit in a basement somewhere putting the lotion in the basket?
ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!
ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Telepathy
“Huh?”
Telepathy
“Ok…let’s move on. What—”
Telepathy
“Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?”
*rolls eyes* Telepathy
when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go
[at restaurant]
me, in my head: i want the pasta. i want the pasta. i want the pasta.
waiter: what can i get you?
me: *scrambling to open menu* uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i’ll have the uhhhhhhhhhh
That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
Chicken Doctor: *strutting in* I’m afraid he has passed.
Chicken Widow: BUT WHY
Chicken Doctor: To get to the other side.
My bf’s first language is french, and he forgot the word for “lid”, so instead he held up the pot and asked “where is his hat?”
With children it’s important to be specific. For example, I told my 5-year-old to sneeze into an elbow. He sneezed into an elbow. My elbow.
A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.
To some, it’s known as “soda.” Some call it “pop.” Some even order it as “coke” or “cola.” The spicy bubble brown juice goes by many names
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
TEACHER: and James, what does your daddy do?
JAMES: he’s a-
ME, still undercover: A DRUG DEALER I’m a drug dealer
me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers
her: it’s cool i don’t like music
me: ok we have 2 problems
[January 1st]
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION
Lock eyes with woman across the bar. Entire life flashes before my eyes. Courtship. Wedding. Marriage. Kids. 2 boys. Promising athletes. Bigger stronger than everyone. NFL dreams. Puberty. They stop growing. 5’9. Division 3. I snap out of it and hide in the bathroom for 2 hours